Fall Several Times, Stand up Every Time

What’s the point of this? This doesn’t even matter,” I found myself sitting, staring up at the quickly moving cumulus clouds one late afternoon pondering the significance or insignificance, rather, of certain activities that I partake in on almost a daily basis. I began to feel the need for change stronger than ever before, the need for something that serves my soul in a more meaningful manner. I know I’m not alive to make wealthy people wealthier for the rest of my working days. I know my existence carries more purpose and I intend on figuring out exactly what that is.

These past couple of weeks have been significantly trying – emotionally, physically, mentally, spiritually – trying in every aspect of the human psyche. While difficult, they have seen some considerable achievements on my part and for that, I am proud. It leaves me to wonder if this isn’t the so-called balance. I can’t have an achievement without a disappointment or perhaps it’s a test of my reaction. What’s that saying about it not being the adversity but our reaction to the adversity? While this may make sense, I must call bullshit at some point.

Injustice is so rampant, I’m not sure I believe in justice any longer. Is it enough to believe in the hope of justice? Humans are treated like machines. That is, until we’re replaced by actual machines, i.e. robots, and in that case, what will become of us? I like to imagine a world where every being is doing something significant, something that while serving is also self-fulfilling. It’s the idealist in me but I believe that world would be a much better place to coexist in.

Is it enough to believe in something that is not – will the belief in something aid in its manifestation? The initial clouds dispersed, giving way to a clear, blue sky and I stood back up because it’s what I do every time.

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A Forest Fire

She’s mad but she’s magic. There’s no lie in her fire,” Charles Bukowski so eloquently once wrote about a woman or women or who knows but I know I am magic. There is no lie in my fire. So many, including my ex-husband failed to recognize this about me. They failed to acknowledge the magnificent fire that burns within me, around me. They failed to fan my flames leaving me to wonder if there is anyone in the world willing to do so, better yet, desiring to do so.

I have spent thirty-one years fanning others’ embers, inciting a forest fire but rarely succeeding because unfortunately, not everyone is magic. I may sound like I’m speaking in circles or sideways but I’m speaking musically, metaphorically, reminiscent of great works of some of my favorite artists.

Bon Iver and James Blake wrote,

I’m saved by nature
But it always forgets what I need
I hope you’ll stop me before I build a wall around me
We need a forest fire

I have been approached twice now since being single and in both advances, I immediately responded with adamant, “I am not interested in dating right now.” This is the present truth but it goes much deeper than any potential suitor may realize. I am not interested in dating right now but I also foresee no viable future in which I am interested in dating at all.

These sentiments remind me of my mother after she divorced my father. She never sought out companionship with anyone and if she were around today, I would seek out her emotions and thoughts during this time in her life. This makes me angry that I cannot do so now. If I’m being completely honest, it’s like how come I was there for her when she was going through what she was going through but she’s not here for me when I’m going through what I’m going through? Cognitively, I understand it was out of her control but my brain and my heart are two very different animals.

I simply don’t believe anyone will recognize my worth the way I recognize my worth – no one will see my magic and treat it accordingly. Many have seen my magic and have been willing to fan my flames only once all is said and done and this provokes so much rage, it’s inconceivably difficult to describe. It leads me to believe I am nothing but a lesson in this lifetime. People only belong in my life for a short period of time, long enough to exchange a valuable lesson from each other. I want more. It only makes me human to want more. Surrounded by so many who have more, witnessing the more that so many of my loved ones possess, I, of course, desire this, too.

I need a forest fire.

Unpacking

There aren’t many men in my life that I can state have been there for me when I needed them, at least not without some ulterior motive to be met. I can probably count on one hand in all sincerity. This began with the first man to ever have a significant impact upon my life, my dad. He was very good at instilling fear and anxiety but very poor at instilling faith, confidence, and security.

I’ve reached a point in my life where I’ve stopped blaming others for my anxiety, grief, fear, faults, etcetera, and realized he or she only has the power to cause negativity within my life if I allow him or her to. In some cases, this means I’ve had to cease exerting my energy toward a relationship I may have had because maintaining one sided relationships are counter productive to my self improvement. In order to break a cycle of seeking the familiar I must confidently step outside of my comfort zone and seek what I’ve always deserved.

Finding myself utter names I haven’t spoken in years with disdain and anger in my heart is a wake up call. I had no idea I had been suppressing so much out of pure human instinct. We suppress to protect ourselves from painful realities but I’m ready to unpack. I’m ready to face those realities with every ounce of muster I can conjure up.

From being forgotten after elementary school days and waiting what felt like hours for my mother to fetch me and being inexplicably dropped by so-called best friends after ten years of friendship with not so much as a word of clarification, I’m ready. From witnessing my drunken, passed out father from the age of five to his erratic, unpredictable drug-addicted behavior at sixteen, I’m ready. From being the ex-girlfriend of so many once beloveds who have since found their life partner, created a family and overcome personal obstacles to losing both of my parents within a span of four months to losing whom I once considered the love of my life two years later, I am ready.

I have been disregarded, forsaken, and taken for granted by so many, especially the men who have come and gone in my life, but at the end of the day, I love myself and I know my worth. I am now ready to unpack the heavy load I have carried with me for thirty-one plus years.

Self Awareness Appreciation

There’s something to be said for self-aware individuals who understand the value of human connection, who never glorify being too busy to maintain those connections, and who actively live a life upholding that integrity. I salute you, I am grateful for you, and I hope to meet more of you so as to surround myself with your strength and your reliability. It takes a heightened level of awareness to be honest, not just with others but also with ourselves and we don’t just wake up one day at that point. It takes courage and lots of hard, sometimes painful, work. Again, I applaud you. Thank you for choosing the road less travelled.

Being a Realist

Bitter is a word that has been used to describe me on more than once occasion as of late. I beg to differ with this description but opinions are like assholes, am I right? People are going to think what they want to think based off of what little information or no information in some cases, they have. So be it. What matters most is how I see myself and what I know to be true and all of my experiences have thankfully allowed me to hold steadfast to this realization.

The truth is that I have become quite the realist of sorts. When I consider that I used to be this unabashed, hopeful dreamer who believed that love could conquer all, I view my current position as major progress. I can also acknowledge how “bitter” might be perceived. That’s not to say that I do not still grapple between my hopes and dreams and what the majority of reality has shown me and that’s not to say that I don’t believe in love – I just know that love, in order for it to conquer all, has to begin with me. I have to love myself wholeheartedly, all flaws included, no exchanges or returns. That is when love can begin conquering all.

Furthermore, I don’t know a lot of people who having gone through the things that I’ve been through wouldn’t come out unscarred, approaching things with greater caution and sometimes, skepticism. I took the rose-colored glasses off a long time ago and I don’t owe a single soul any explanation for why I do or say the shit I do or say.

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