Vulnerability

I’ve been experiencing some serious writer’s block since I returned from my tropical vacation at the end of May, hence why I haven’t posted anything in quite awhile. And I’m not going to lie I am still experiencing writer’s block but I’m forcing myself to write anyway. I think there’s a part of me that fears if I don’t force myself to, then I will never again – it’s a frightening thought.

I could write about the depressing fact that tomorrow is yet another Father’s Day and how I won’t be celebrating because it will be the sixth one since my dad died. I could write about how I just had surgery a week ago, fundamentally changing my future much to my passionate convictions and excitement. I could explain how difficult of a time I’ve had post op, how I’ve been running slight fevers off and on and how I’ve been losing exorbitant amounts of blood. Or I could steer this blog another route and write about the beauty that is Kauai, Hawaii and how I’ve seriously begun considering changing my lifestyle from city girl to island girl in the near future.

You see, there is a lot – there is so much going on inside of my brain and in my life right now that those three things are only the tip of the iceberg. And I just don’t know where to begin. The rumination has been quite active since my surgery and the emotional toll coupled with the blood loss has left me rather depleted. There are many other topics that I want to put on paper, very sensitive topics that I must write about with great care and precision – topics I’m not even sure if I want them to be a part of my blog or of something greater.

The inner voice asks, “What makes you think you’re sharing anything of substance? Your blog isn’t worthy of such deeply personal material.” I can’t help but laugh at her because while the self-criticism and doubt is rampant, the self-assurance is often louder and stronger. A Righteous Revival is just that – deeply personal material. I think the reason my fearful, inner incantation produces so much reservation is because she’s protecting me from willfully being utterly, painfully vulnerable.

I’ve been asking myself as of late, where do I draw the line? How much is too much? What should I save for my book and what belongs in this blog? Is there such a thing as too much? There was a time when that latter question rendered a sharp and resounding no – and I’m just not so certain presently. So, I suppose until I can gather my bearings per se, A Righteous Revival must resort to reruns like a regularly scheduled program during the summer months.

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4 thoughts on “Vulnerability

  1. I feel the same way with some of my posts. The important thing is that we keep moving forward with it. Even if it’s not as good as you want it to be, post it anyway, it’ll reach who it needs to reach.

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