My Tiny Rodent Heart

“…what the hell am I thinking putting this out there, for any and everyone to read and know about me?…”

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Okay folks, so this is just gonna be one of those brutally honest, fly by the seat of my pants, non-edited blogs – one where I ooze uncomfortable honesty and vomit vulnerability but at the end of the day, this is my therapy. And I need it right now – I mean I really need it.

I realized as of late that I spend less than two hours a week expressing myself wholly and as thoroughly as possible. And those precious minutes are ones I spend with my therapist behind closed doors, in a very small room that could be pronounced as a walk-in closet for some and in a professional setting – not with a close friend or a loved one. I mean I’ve been seeing my therapist for nearly three years so I suppose friend is a word one could use to describe her though I don’t observe our relationship as such. Don’t get me wrong – I like her but I like the boundary, too.

The truth is I don’t feel comfortable reaching out to most people anymore. I feel as if everyone has more important things to be concerning their selves with than my redundant depression. In therapy, we call this the voice in my head that “keeps me safe,” while constantly putting me down.

Just writing all of this out is creating this sense of grave anxiety – like what the hell am I thinking putting this out there, for any and everyone to read and know about me? I think the only faith I still maintain is the faith that I’m not alone. If that ever goes, I am unsure of what will become of me.

With that being said, I am lost and ironically enough, feeling utterly alone – longing to be somewhere where I can speak freely, openly without feeling insecure – longing to be with my mother. That is not to say that I wish myself dead – I just want my best friend and her unconditional love back.

Yes, yes, it’s the holidays. * roll my fucking eyes * It’s that time of year and yes, that fucking intensifies whatever feelings I may have been feeling prior and believe me, I was feeling this shit prior. The so-called “holidays” have never been easy since 2010 and have increasingly, seemingly gotten worse for my psyche each year.

I find myself hating everyone and every thing, lacking hope. Every day, world war three is congregating in my brain. There is this constant struggle between rationality and emotion, hate and love, wrong and right, just and unjust. They overlap, they intertwine, they contradict and they drive me fucking mad. Then begins the quest to dissociate, to block it out followed by the newly learned, oftentimes confusing notion that attempting to block it out inevitably worsens it.

I always liken myself to a hamster, in its little cage, on that stupid wheel, spinning ‘round and ‘round but not making any gains – a fucking rodent! – My tiny rodent heart pounding with every miniscule leap and bound on the plastic wheel, beating toward its imminent death.

 

2 thoughts on “My Tiny Rodent Heart

  1. Dear Lindsey. I don’t know exactly how you feel, but I have a very rough time with this time of year. No Mom or Dad and two bother in-laws and now my dear sweet sister are gone. We (my sisters and I) find it hard to get together anymore. We all use to go to my parents or to my Sister Mary the one who passed away. So we just do our own things going through the motions of this time of year. I put up my tree already just so the count down can begin. The joy I find at this time of the year our my grandchildren so sweet and innocent and nothing seems bad to them. My Granddaughter who is 5 ask me where Great Aunt Mary was and I told her in Heaven and she went on her way while I had to hold back the tears.
    I feel bad for you and wish I could give you hugs. I guess this is when we must hold on to those memories and know they want us to be happy some how. I am not sure who said this but I think it fits. Setbacks are temporary as long are you don’t give up. I am here for you if you ever need to talk. With love and hugs, Joan

  2. Hi, It is me again. I just opened some email and it said. Message from God.
    Today, Joan, we believe God wants you to that inevitable is best accepted with serenity. There are times when you absolutely see no solution. When you’ve thought and thought and prayed and prayed; when you’ve sat still in meditation listening for an answer and still no answer comes. There are times when it’s okay to just surrender. Love you

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