Dissociation

As I gear up for session two of my therapy this week, my mind is filled with so many questions. This past Wednesday, my therapist and I both agreed that I have dissociated from quite a few of the painful experiences in my life. That is to say I have buried them deep down inside somewhere where they rarely every rear their ugly head. But, this act of isolating myself from my past experiences is counterproductive in my healing.

When my therapist recently got me to relive the last time I ever saw and spoke to my father, there wasn’t a dry eye in the room. I walked out of the session with smeared makeup, a weight on my shoulders and an impending headache. This was much to my dismay as I thought I had moved past this time in my life.

When I spoke of my alarm a few days later, it was brought to my attention that retelling something, letting it all out, will aide in detaching from it, putting it in its proper place in the past, in a much more effective way that simply not acknowledging it all together. This process of talking about it as if I’m living it again, and possibly again and again, may be more painful but it is much more constructive.

The thing is where do I begin? If I’m being honest with you and most importantly, with myself, I think I’ve dissociated from so much. Up until now, it has served as a coping mechanism, a relief from utter, inner turmoil. I guess I always thought that if I disconnected for a while, speaking on it only in vague references, then once I came back to it, it wouldn’t be as painful. I was sorely wrong.

Well, on the bright side, at least it’ll probably make for some interesting writing and blog posts. Stay tuned!

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