Sundown, Moon Rise

I once laid in bed with death, right next to it – our skins touching, my body’s warmth against its eerie absent-like coolness and my weary head upon its betraying shoulder. I managed to whisper a few nonsensical words to its deaf ears and shed a few tears in its unwelcome and untimely presence. I once vowed my life – the one I’m living right now – for better or for worse, in sickness and in health to another living, breathing human being in the attendance of other living, breathing human beings. I once allowed death to fool me into longing for its bittersweet company but I’m still living that life. I no longer vow it to anyone – not another human being, not even death – only my self.

I just want something to last longer than I, I thought to myself as I stepped into the hot, steaming shower after a dragging, long day at work. This thought wasn’t random nor was it shocking – sad, definitely but not surprising that I would think something as such. On the surface, it seems like a legit, understandable yearning but once you dig a little deeper, into its core, you realize that there is so much emotion and experience balled up into those nine little words.

If I were to dig a little deeper, I would explain that I want something of substance to last longer than myself – a friendship, a relationship, and hell – my good moods! I want to become of death before someone else I love dearly dies again. I want this man, this relationship, and this time to be it. I want to just share the rest of my days with one person, without a shadow of a doubt, through the good times and the bad. I don’t need the paper, the ring, none of it – just the quality.

If I were to continue digging, I would tell you that these admissions terrify the living hell out of me and yes there is a living hell inside of me. I would go on to tell you that I don’t believe in forever. I don’t believe that there is one person for anyone. I don’t believe in marriage. I do believe in death and flaws and disappointment. I believe in temporary relationships that unexpectedly venture beyond the platonic level.

This isn’t to say that I don’t want to believe in the above because I most certainly do and there was a point in my life that I actually did that now seems like forever ago– ha! No pun intended, but after the almost three decades of life that I have under my belt, I have learned how to “protect” myself by expecting the absolute worse – death in all of its various forms. By believing it possible to prepare for the worst, the devastating blow won’t be as devastating, right? I know I’m wrong but I’ve got about thirty years of experiences to unlearn. Please, do, wish me luck, though honestly, I don’t believe in luck. Pray?

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3 thoughts on “Sundown, Moon Rise

  1. Reblogged this on A Righteous Revival and commented:

    I pray sometimes. To whom? To what? I am unsure. I call it the Universe but maybe it is God, maybe it is some sort of higher power. The Universe and Mother Nature are higher powers in my eyes but the point is I pray sometimes. Does it help me? I can’t honestly say that it does. I think it’s something organized religion imposed upon society to make us sleep better at night and feel better about all of the so-called sins we commit on a daily basis. But that’s just me. In no way is this follow up a judgment upon other people’s beliefs.

    I still don’t believe in luck – I really never have. Sure, I use the expressions, “I was lucky” or “You’re so lucky,” but I’ve never believed in coincidences and for someone to be lucky implies such happenstance. There are no accidents in this life – I wish I could say there were because God (or the Universe) knows how much I despise that exhausted expression that, “everything happens for a reason.” Alas, it does and whether we know and/or like the reason is an entirely different story.

    Interestingly enough, I just returned from a six-day trip to my hometown of Kansas City where religion and praying and God are everywhere – even the local diner! I have complete respect for people’s beliefs except for when said people try and shove their beliefs down my throat. I love living in a country that is built on an idealistic foundation of diversity and acceptance. These ideals aren’t obviously well received or practiced in all corners of this country but the concept is there and well practiced in many places like the place I call home, Los Angeles, and we have to begin somewhere.

    I am grateful for parents who never forced me to attend church but left the choice up to me, a mother who expressed her experiences and aversion with organized religion but never made me feel bad for being curious. I’ve attended Catholic mass on Christmas Eve, fell asleep in the fetal position of a pew at a Midwest, mostly white congregation of a Baptist church, pretended to feel the holy spirit at a Methodist worship service, ran out of a predominantly black Baptist church into the cold, winter night due to an anxiety attack, and been told I’m going to Hell unless I ask Jesus into my heart. This all resulted in the formation of my own spiritual beliefs – beliefs that allow me to feel peace in my soul and resonate on a higher level for me than monotonously singing Christian hymns ever did.

    After lying next to death, my spirituality wavered. I began to lose a lot of faith in everything including some lifelong convictions and myself. Thankfully, spirituality is also what picked me up after so much loss, what taught me that the loss and the disappointment are worth it most of the time. My mother used to repeatedly iterate, “the price of love is grief,” and that couldn’t be a truer statement. But, I would much rather love and lose than never lose at all. I would much rather experience the grief if it means I get to experience the joy, the butterflies, and the connections. And if all I’m left with are great memories, then it’s worth it.

    I still want something of substance to last longer than most things in my life have. That is a sentiment I can only describe as human. I am constantly telling myself, “Life is too short. Go for what you want, Linds. Ask for what you want. Take initiative.” Lives are so full of regrets and while this may be unavoidable, having a life full of chances taken and an abundance of loss is a life well lived and precisely the true story I intend to tell even in my death.

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