I wanted to write a quick, spur of the moment blog entry so that it doesn’t appear as if I have given up on A Righteous Revival. I, in fact, have been working on the “revival” aspect of my life. It gets tough sometimes – not gonna lie about that. And the uncomplicated truth is simply that I haven’t wanted to write because it brings up unwanted memories and emotions that, more often than not, are negative.
I’ve come to some difficult realizations as of late that are going to take some time to sort through and turn into some sort of positive reinforcement – Namely, the immense anger I am harboring toward David. Forgiveness is more than simply stating, “I forgive.” If one doesn’t feel it in his/her heart, in his/her soul, it cannot exert its many benefits and the only person that this anger slowly destroys is I.
I still haven’t figured this one out though I have figured out that the reason the anger is so intense now as opposed to in the past when all of the turmoil caused by David’s disrespectful actions and less than subpar behavior was being inflicted is because I am no longer in love. Thus, proving firsthand that love can be dangerously blinding. The blindfold has been off for quite some time and I see everything I went through during my three years and some change spent with him much more clearly and rationally. My anger is justified and I don’t blame myself for feeling it but I do not want to feel this animosity any longer. I do so want to learn how to forgive.
I’ve also been missing my mother more so than usual. I’ve been refusing the memories, good and bad, and I try to occupy my mind with work. When I’m not working, I’m desperately seeking other distracting outlets, mostly things that aren’t necessarily the healthiest in excess. I am aware of my actions so I am not worried and I assure my loved ones not to worry as well when they express their sincere concern. Acknowledgment is the first step to a healthier mindset and lifestyle.
Needless to say, I haven’t allowed myself the time to write because my mindset hasn’t been balanced. The amount of energy I wish to dedicate to my craft, my passion, has lacked due solely to my emotional instability. My anxiety has been frequent and manifests itself physically in addition to the emotional chaos it imposes. I have had an itchy rash underneath my left armpit for over a week now and epidermis that, despite the 100+ degree weather and humidity, is suffering from chronic dryness. Nightmares are nothing new though definitely a nighttime burden and my mood swings are a debilitating force to be reckoned with. I do feel sorry for those who spend the majority of their priceless time with me as of late though bless their earnest hearts as they continue to devote that time to my company.
With all of that being said, I do have many wheels turning – positively confident ones, at that. I do hope to share these exciting endeavors with you sooner than later once they begin to manifest into something slightly more tangible. I’m urgently attempting to be gentler with myself so while I do beg your forgiveness for my prolonged absence, I cannot beat myself up for it. I thank you, my readers, for your continued support and joining me on this journey we call life. As I always say, I will be okay. I always am. And as my mama always proclaimed, “It’ll all be okay in the end. If it’s not okay, it’s not the end.”