It’s so easy to remind ourselves to live in the moment, be present, but what happens when that present moment consists of the very thing we fear the most – the sudden, unexpected or onslaught loss of loved ones? What happens when tragedy similar to that we have already bathed bountifully within its fountain strikes yet again? Roll with the punches, you might suggest? Deal with it when it presents itself you may continue?
That’s all good and well but it doesn’t change the fact that I simply don’t want to fucking deal with it anymore. “That’s life,” I can hear the myriads of loved ones and veterans of life repetitively utter. And while this is true, it doesn’t change the severe sentiment that is I love and I love hard and when I lose, I lose hard thus it fucking hurts – how, you may wonder? Hard – Fucking hard.
I have recently found myself in quite the vulnerable position without seeking such a compromising arrangement and the path in which I journeyed down has truly been a blessing. This sounds like such a fucking conundrum – a mind fuck at its finest! On the contrary, it’s quite familiar in that as I’ve stated previously, I live my life in such a way that I could die at any moment, the next breath for all I know, so this route can feel quite dangerous at times but I wouldn’t have it any other way if presented with a shinier alternative. It comes natural to me however this proverbial story often concludes with being taken advantage of, left unappreciated, losing, and/or ending up alone. Anyone feel me, yet? So, I ask again, how does one live entirely, wholly 100% in the present when the present consists of heartache, anxiety, depression, and/or on the brink insanity?
Quite honestly, I had a full-blown anxiety attack today at work. I’m not quite certain as to why it occurred or what it stemmed from but I can tell you that I felt naked, bare – like I peeled back my skin as a sous chef would peel russet potatoes in preparation for a busy holiday dinner, only unintentionally – completely and utterly vulnerable. There I was, in the present moment, with anxiety that had my chest aching, almost palpitating, my head feeling dizzy and light, I lost my breath and my palms were noticeably shaking. I rolled with the punches, I let the tears well in my eyes, I ran the cold water over my wrist and massaged the middle of my hand as instructed by a lovely Brooklyn massage therapist while my concerned coworkers questioned from afar – bless them.
I could easily change this blog into a subject of how battling with anxiety is difficultly troubling and numerous doctors have recommended my usage of medication while I’ve politely declined but this blog is about more than that. This blog is about dealing with the challenges that are unavoidably delivered, blocking the inevitable punches that life violently sometimes stealthily, throws in our direction.
Sympathetically, someone said to me today, “Girl, I thought my mind was on overdrive…” trailing off with visible concern before handing me chewing gum to ease some of the uneasy symptoms. I quietly chuckled to myself because I’m used to the overdrive, to the grossly profuse amounts of mostly unproductive thoughts that race through my mind at mainly inopportune times. Many blame it on my astrological sign, my upbringing, my past experiences, the loss of my parents and so forth while I’ve simply come to accept my overactive brain and the endless thoughts that present themselves in various scenarios, wide open for analysis and predominantly during the hours of lay down to sleep at night and wake up early in the morning for work ‘o’ clock. Convenient, eh?
I’ll just keep “rolling with the punches” and doing my best to enjoyably live in the present moment. In the meantime, there’s always ganja, sex and vino – C’mon, I’m just keeping it real, folks.