After twenty-nine years of life, I finally figured out that wondering if someone actually cares about me means that they do not, or at least they do not care for me in the way that I deserve and that I need to be cared for. Feeling the need to make assumptions and conjure up excuses based off of someone else’s less than sincere actions most likely means just that – he or she is not fully sincere or is too self-involved to care about anyone as much as him or herself.
It is certainly better late than never that I’ve arrived at this rewarding understanding. And it’s a realization that is proving to take some “getting used to.” This is when I must remind myself to take a step back, look in the mirror and allow myself to be cared for while at the same time being gentle with my learned knee-jerk reactions which include immediate doubt of even the most earnest and pure of actions as this is still a foreign concept presented to me. How glorious of a feeling, a reality to simply know the intentions of another are completely authentic and unadulterated!
The great Persian poet, Rumi, once said that one must continually break his/her heart until it is open. I think mine is opening ever so slightly, ever so slowly and being the tornado my dear friend so accurately described me as makes sloth like speed a benefit. Patience has never been my strongest suit and I’m presently learning its virtuous properties, gratefully with the unknowing help of someone I deem very special, someone I have found myself growing closer to as this illusion we call time passes.
I must confess, however, not dwell on the plain sadness of this grave subject when I state that all of my past, significant male relationships, beginning with my father, were spent wondering if I was good enough, if I was genuinely wanted, let alone perceivably needed in any way, shape or form. I know I’m not the only person my age or older having faced this reality and I dedicate this blog to all of you in similar situations and those of you whom have gratefully discovered the beautiful truth that you are worthy and someone, someday, will show you this with a seemingly effortless finesse, alongside your own gratifying self-acknowledgement.
It would be accurate to state that I once believed the majority of people behaved as if, “the grass is greener on the other side,” the idealist in me always replying that “the grass is greener where you water it,” however, in regards to this particular post, I would truthfully reply, “If you don’t water the grass on your side, someone else will come along and water it in place of you.” Can I get an amen?