A guarded heart is a difficult edifice to abolish but desperately hanging on white-knuckled to the reigns results in remaining in a perpetual state of unfortunate unknowing. The walls we build are constructed out of painful, past memories, repetitive heartbreaks and catastrophically emotional blows. We dwell and we dwell until a solid foundation is securely laid and these walls have something to rely on, exceptional means to justify their prime real estate location.
A guarded heart is an invisible barricade, a false sense of security that manifests itself tangible through the susceptible decisions we make and the life-changing opportunities we allow to silently pass us or in which we purposely self-sabotage. I’m the first to remind myself, “What’s for you will not pass you,” repeating it like a self-guided mantra down a dimly lit hallway of identical, multiple closed doors. It’s in the deliberation, however, where the guarded heart is consciously and subconsciously prone to choosing door three over door one simply due to the unbearable fact that it deeply desires what’s behind door one and door one has the potent power of cataclysmically destroying what’s behind those man-made partitions. Alas, door three is the safe, second choice leaving the hesitant curator of the most delicate vessel continually and inevitably wondering, “What if?”
A couple of days ago, I had a lengthy conversation with a friend of mine in which I confidently told him, “I think people expect me to be all ‘FUCK LOVE’ and I joke around about all that but the truth is, I’ll always believe in love.” As I typed out those words in a text message and I sent them, I felt a great and surprising sense of elation and pride in this guarded heart of mine. I was reminded that I gratefully possess an endlessly overflowing amount of love left to offer, that no matter how many times the barriers are demolished leaving my guarded heart bare, exposed and vulnerable to life’s most treasured moments as well as its most feared failures and losses, I will always believe that love is the motivation and the meaning of this life. Thus, I have undying faith that I will always allow genuine love in when it comes patiently knocking, asking for permission to tear down these walls.
So, what if I choose door one?