Dear Norma and Adam,
You two are the epitome of love. You two were a constant source of inspiration to Lindsay and I. I’m sad to see my relationship with Lindsay come to an end, as I am a failure to you two. I have created an abundance of negativity in Lindsay. I know that with family such as you, Lindsay has the love she deserves and was not receiving proving that I am not held in high regard by you and those who surround Lindsay (and it is rightfully so). Thank you for welcoming me into your lives and being the loving people I have only known you to be and for all you have done for us and me. I hope you live amazing lives and continue to be beacons of light in Lindsay’s life.
Norma and Adam were the two of my closest friends that spent the most time around David and I. Norma, in particular, was the first friend of mine that I sat down with, over weekend brunch, and relayed every juicy and minute detail of the guy I had fallen in love with during my New York trip, the summer of 2010.
The first wedding David and I ever attended together was Norma and Adam’s in Los Angeles in the spring of 2011, a few short months after my move to New York. It was hands down the most beautiful wedding I’ve ever been to and I felt so blessed to have been able to attend, give a speech and have the love of my life by my side. After catching half of the bouquet along with Norma’s sister, David and I spent a few more days of Memorial Day weekend enjoying Los Angeles.
Norma and Adam were also present the first time David proposed to me and had I decided to get married right there in Vegas, they would have been our necessary witnesses. Six months later, they graciously attended our wedding in New York. They were also in the front seat, driving, when David looked at me and sincerely said, “Let’s move to LA” making me one of the single happiest girls in the world in that instance as I described in my post, Welcome to California.
Out of all of my closest friends, Norma was the most aware of everything, good and bad that was going on between David and I. Despite telling me how helpless she felt residing on the other side of the country, she was always talking me through some of the roughest times, some of the fights as described in Lead and Mercury, willingly giving David the benefit of the doubt as I so often did. She wanted my relationship to succeed just as much as I wanted it to, as she knew how absolutely in love I was. Norma and I, both, optimistically anticipated the move to California to be beneficial to my unstable marriage.
After moving across the country, Adam attempted to include David in activities like playing basketball on the weekends and I would often encourage it. One of all of our main concerns was making sure David was comfortable as it was the first time he’d lived anywhere besides New York. I knew, from experience, having moved from Kansas City at the age of eighteen to Los Angeles and eight years later to New York, how challenging homesickness could become.
The above letter is particularly difficult for me to read, as it’s a nice, comforting thought to believe that David meant everything he wrote. I think he might have though I suppose I’ll become ashes before I ever truly know for certain. I believe I knew him better than anyone ever knew him – There were times I honestly think I knew David better than David knew David and I know that there are many conflicting sides to David. The David that wrote that letter is the good hearted, kind, thoughtful, loving, regretful David who is only human – the one I fell in love with almost four years ago. Unfortunately, there’s another David I came to know fairly well – the David that doesn’t believe in the David that wrote that letter – the David that could never believe or accept that someone was capable of loving him as much as I did or always will.
A week or so after the letters were sent, another David tried to convince me that he never wanted any of this – the marriage and the commitment, that is – that he was only doing what he thought was the “right” thing to do. David was sitting on the floor with his back against what was once our bed. I sat in the doorway, a few feet away, of what was once our bedroom, my elbows awkwardly propped upon my knees and my weary head resting against the doorframe, I began crying tears of anger and sadness. Anger because how dare he try and justify the demise of our marriage on complete and utter bullshit and sadness as I could see right through him – I could almost see his heart bleeding, the candid heartache appearing to protrude from his very soul. I wanted to punch him, shake the sense out of him and at the same time, I wanted to hold him and tell him that everything was going to be all right – that we would be all right but it was too late.
To be continued…