The Reservoir

My shrink recently brought it to my attention that I have a reservoir of love inside of me.  I took it a step further, when I went home to meditate on that concept for the day, and I observed that this reservoir is infinite.  It is, fortunately and unfortunately, over-flowing depending on the angle at which one is looking at it.  I’ve known for quite some time that I have a very bad habit of falling for significant others who are emotionally unavailable; Incapable of receiving the love I try, passionately, to give.  As I stated in a previous post, the first step to recovery is recognition and I recognize that this reservoir is man-made.  My father was the architect.  The contents of the reservoir come naturally and since my dad drafted the plans, a few men have drawn from this body of water, only to regurgitate, therefore causing it to flood.  Simply put, I have an infinite amount of amazing love to give but I have yet to find a man ready and willing to receive it, with gratitude.

The upside and the beauty of it all is that which my best friend said to me shortly after I ended my 3-year relationship with David.  She said, “Linds, you’re not going to be alone.  Not because you can’t but because, you’re a lover.  You have too much love to give.”  She’s right about that.  It can be a frightening thought, though – loving another person at this point in my life, especially when I thought David was “the one.”  Initially, I sincerely believed he was emotionally available.  It turns out, he couldn’t have been more similar to my dad, the architect.  I still beat myself up for this, too, “What the hell were you thinking, Linds,” “How did you not see that one coming,” “Why did you marry him, Linds” and other self-destructive, interrogative thoughts.

I understand that all of life is a journey of lessons and I don’t regret my relationship with David, ever – and not only because of the life lessons I take with me but because we genuinely did share some amazing times together, to say the very least.  My long-winded point is that life is too short to live in fear of giving my love to someone.  And I forewarn you of my uncanny ability to be very, very cheesy – I know there’s someone out there who is deserving of a flash flood of Lindsay’s love!  Therefore, I won’t build walls around this reservoir – just a door – and I’ll be very careful of whom I let inside.

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