I’m sure by now, many of you are wondering, “What happened? Why did she decide to get a divorce?” At least, I would be that curious! As it stands, depending on whom you ask, David or I, you would probably receive blatantly differing answers. But the details of why there are divorce proceedings are not primarily what this blog is about. It’s about musings. It’s a bit about why I got married in the first place. I recently came across a word document on my laptop, titled “Musings for David” and it was dated, Sunday, December 16th, 2012. Less than a year ago, this was my truth:
I’ve been contemplating how absolutely fortunate we are, love. There are so many people in this world, even people we know, that are despairingly lonely. Yes, we fight. We disagree with each other every now and then, but we should never ever put the state of our relationship on the table as if it’s something up for debate. I am married and I don’t ever want to get a divorce. Not just because of what a marriage entails, but also because I love you and I realize how incredibly fortunate we are to have found true love. Some people will go their entire lives without experiencing the kind of love that we have found in each other. That’s enough to not ever put the outcome of our relationship into an equation, especially one that is fueled by irrational emotions. We weren’t acting irrationally when we stood at the courthouse, and in front of every one, said, “I do.” We were acting out of the love that we have for one another, a very special love that I acknowledge with awe and gratitude. We will get through the trials and there will continue to be hard times but with each other, I think we’re both stronger individuals. This will enable us to overcome and appreciate the love that I speak of – a love I believe is worth fighting for.
I share this because, at the end of the day, I can rest my head on my pillow knowing that I gave this marriage my absolute best. I fought for a love I believed in right down to the moment I lay on my guest room floor in the fetal position. Even then, I wavered between the rationality of facts and the irrationalities of feelings and fears. The fact was that it may be a love worth fighting for but both people must fight in order for anything to be salvaged. The fact was that truly happy newlyweds shouldn’t be fighting as often and as absurdly as we were. The fact was that I promised my mother, years ago, that I would never follow in her footsteps as far as a man goes – I wouldn’t spend almost twenty-five years being verbally and emotionally abused with the false hope that every time an apology was issued, there would be a favorably significant change.
And I digress…Let me give you an idea of how difficult it is to write this stuff out into a simple blog posting. While I understand that I’m going to continue writing, to merely post this two-page blog about the state of David and I’s relationship less than a year ago seems so inefficient. To say, “this was my truth” and so on and so forth is extremely inadequate in the grand scheme of it all. I guess you can say this paragraph is kind of a disclaimer to the many details and experiences that will surely manifest as I continue this blog but I find it important to inform my reader of that. It is also difficult in that I began writing this two days ago and had to stop halfway through. Why? You may ask. It stirred up negative emotions like anger and I noticed my mind began wandering into an insecure zone. Well, this evening, a wonderful friend of mine reminded me that I must write about the pain and the undesirable feelings even if I don’t want to. This is why I have chosen to complete this particular post tonight.
Truth is, I meant every single word I wrote on December 16, 2012. After we officially decided it was over the morning of July 29th, 2013 just twenty days after spending our romantic, one-year anniversary together, I knew in my heart that I gave it my all. After people would find out pieces of the darker sides of the inner workings of David and mine’s relationship, I was often asked why I stuck around for as long as I did. That truth is that I needed to know that I did absolutely every thing I possibly could to make it work, that I gave my marriage my unequivocal all. I got married for life, not for trial. I admired my grandparents’ generation for their values and their longevity and I looked up to my best friends who were getting ready to celebrate their ten-year wedding anniversary. I wanted to live up to my vows, not be a statistic.
David verbally agreed with me that we shared a love worth fighting for. He may have believed that at one time but he wasn’t willing or strong enough to fight for it. As the old adage goes, actions speak a hell of a lot louder than words.