I do…Again. Maybe? Not.

Only two months, give or take a few days, after my husband and I decided to separate, I have already been asked the inevitable question, a dozen or so times, “Do you think you’ll ever get married again?”  My response seems to vary depending on who is asking, the circumstances at which the question is being asked under and the level of intoxication I am currently experiencing.

I was most recently asked this question by my very good friend, Jimmy. I’ve known him for about six years, it was almost 3:00 in the morning, I was probably at a level 6 of intoxication, on a scale of 1-10, 10 being completely out of my mind, shit-faced and John Legend was on the stereo.  My response?  “Listen to this song, Jimmy.  If a man ever feels this way about me, then yes, I will say ‘I do’ again.”  Jimmy’s response was along the lines of, and mind you, his level of intoxication was at about an 8, “I’m not quite sure I get it but right on!”  I chuckle as I write this, completely sober, because in truth, my answer was actually quite accurate.

Those who know me well know that I am a music woman.  Music speaks to my heart and to my soul.  It is, for lack of better words, the very essence of my existence and the means of extraordinary communication.  Not only did I lose my parents and my relationship in the past three years, I lost my self and along with my self, I lost music.  A week prior to receiving my mother’s horrific diagnosis, I was performing with Jimmy, for what I thought was the last time at a mid-week show at Genghis Cohen in Los Angeles before making the big, cross-country move to New York City.  I was excitedly banging on a djembe, chanting about how I loved LA but New York had my heart.  If I only knew that I’d be giving up a lot more, for the next couple of years, than merely the city I called home  – I suppose that’s life, though, huh?

Surprisingly and gratefully, like “Amazing Grace,” I’ve been found.  In these last couple of months, I’ve managed to find my voice and my passion – I found music again.  I actually attribute finding my self to finding music first.  I would like to say I never took it for granted but living the past three years of my life with no intention of being involved in music again was definitely taking it for granted, to say the least.  Music has never solely been a form of entertainment to me.  It’s a beautiful language, a means of speaking to another person’s soul.  Prior to my reunion with music, it was as if I had been living as a mute or someone who forgot their native language, synonymous with wandering around Spain and not even knowing how to greet someone with, “Hola.”

So to further explain what Jimmy didn’t quite get the other night and to answer that unavoidable question:  Music is my first language and I now know exactly what I want and most importantly, what I deserve.  If a man ever feels the way about me the way John Legend was feeling about his lady while writing the song, “All of Me,” then yes, I’ll marry him.  My mother always said, “Sometimes, hope is the only thing we have” and I can only hope that if the day comes that I do walk down the aisle again in an ivory gown, it’s truly for forever this time.

“All of Me” John Legend

[Verse 1:]
What would I do without your smart mouth
Drawing me in, and you kicking me out
Got my head spinning, no kidding, I can’t pin you down
What’s going on in that beautiful mind
I’m on your magical mystery ride
And I’m so dizzy, don’t know what hit me, but I’ll be alright

[Bridge:]
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

[Chorus:]

‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all, all of me
And you give me all, all of you, oh

[Verse 2:]
How many times do I have to tell you
Even when you’re crying you’re beautiful too
The world is beating you down, I’m around through every mood
You’re my downfall, you’re my muse
My worst distraction, my rhythm and blues
I can’t stop singing, it’s ringing, in my head for you

[Bridge:]
My head’s under water
But I’m breathing fine
You’re crazy and I’m out of my mind

[Chorus:]
‘Cause all of me
Loves all of you
Love your curves and all your edges
All your perfect imperfections
Give your all to me
I’ll give my all to you
You’re my end and my beginning
Even when I lose I’m winning
‘Cause I give you all of me
And you give me all, all of you, oh

Give me all of you
Cards on the table, we’re both showing hearts
Risking it all, though it’s hard

Advertisements

Would love to hear from you!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s