It’s fascinating how one day someone who was once the very center of your life is no longer the center, the back or front, not even the very far side. This person is simply no longer a part of your life – This person whom for years was considered in almost every single life decision you made right down to the minute dinner plans on a Friday night after work to the living arrangements thousands of miles away on the other side of the country.
It has come to my attention that I rarely speak of David, let alone think of him. This does not mean I don’t have any more stories to show and tell but in case any of my dear readers were curious, I thought I’d use this blog to address the lack of tales of life with David.
My therapist is frequently encouraging me to express pride in my accomplishments and I can say that I am extremely proud of the woman I have become for having made it through the three years I spent with David and the three years thereafter. I would not be the person who I am today had I not met him and married him. The past three years since our split have opened so many doors, professionally and personally, that I can no longer confidently utter regret for the short life I spent loving him.
I have come so far in self-awareness and personal growth that I simply don’t think about that past life very often. And when I do, the thoughts have thankfully taken their proper place among my life experiences and my perspective is no longer one of cynicism and bitterness but realism and subjective development. I suppose one could call it a righteous revival.
The subject of human connection and interaction has been coming up a lot lately in the last couple of weeks. I’m witness to a world that is much more comfortable hiding behind the guise of a cell phone or computer screen. It’s disheartening that the text message has triumphed over the phone call or the email over the in-person conversation.
There is nothing quite like the sincerity and the take away of the good old fashioned, personal exchange over a cup of coffee. Sitting within close proximity of another living, breathing human being, sharing and listening. The ability to look that person in the eyes while language is being spoken, to hear the inflections of tone and to see the various emotions that correspond with the topic of discussion – I will choose that kind of connection over Messenger any day.
A large part of my growth over the last couple of months has been focusing on that real human connection- even if it simply means connecting with myself – turning off the computer, silencing the cell, and just being present.
Picking up the phone, writing a thank-you note on pretty stationery and sincerely remembering to make human connections, even if they last an hour, a year, or a minute, I am well aware of the value of person to person. I have seen and experienced the dangers of what screen to screen can pose and my mother’s, “Everything in moderation” mantra wholly applies.
It has been five years since my best friend took her last breath. It has been five years since I began learning how to exist in a world without the love of my life to lean on for support. I am eternally grateful for her unconditional love, her compassion and her strength – all of which she instilled in me. These are the things that keep me going, that enable me to put one foot in front of the other every day. There are no words that could even begin to convey the immense loss and void that has been felt for the last 1,825 days that my mother’s physical presence has not existed. I will feel it tomorrow as I feel it today as I’ll feel it for the rest of my life and that’s okay. In honor of her spirit, I’ll keep going, too.