“She’s mad but she’s magic. There’s no lie in her fire,” Charles Bukowski so eloquently once wrote about a woman or women or who knows but I know I am magic. There is no lie in my fire. So many, including my ex-husband failed to recognize this about me. They failed to acknowledge the magnificent fire that burns within me, around me. They failed to fan my flames leaving me to wonder if there is anyone in the world willing to do so, better yet, desiring to do so.
I have spent thirty-one years fanning others’ embers, inciting a forest fire but rarely succeeding because unfortunately, not everyone is magic. I may sound like I’m speaking in circles or sideways but I’m speaking musically, metaphorically, reminiscent of great works of some of my favorite artists.
Bon Iver and James Blake wrote,
I’m saved by nature
But it always forgets what I need
I hope you’ll stop me before I build a wall around me
We need a forest fire
I have been approached twice now since being single and in both advances, I immediately responded with adamant, “I am not interested in dating right now.” This is the present truth but it goes much deeper than any potential suitor may realize. I am not interested in dating right now but I also foresee no viable future in which I am interested in dating at all.
These sentiments remind me of my mother after she divorced my father. She never sought out companionship with anyone and if she were around today, I would seek out her emotions and thoughts during this time in her life. This makes me angry that I cannot do so now. If I’m being completely honest, it’s like how come I was there for her when she was going through what she was going through but she’s not here for me when I’m going through what I’m going through? Cognitively, I understand it was out of her control but my brain and my heart are two very different animals.
I simply don’t believe anyone will recognize my worth the way I recognize my worth – no one will see my magic and treat it accordingly. Many have seen my magic and have been willing to fan my flames only once all is said and done and this provokes so much rage, it’s inconceivably difficult to describe. It leads me to believe I am nothing but a lesson in this lifetime. People only belong in my life for a short period of time, long enough to exchange a valuable lesson from each other. I want more. It only makes me human to want more. Surrounded by so many who have more, witnessing the more that so many of my loved ones possess, I, of course, desire this, too.
I need a forest fire.